These games confuse me.
I'm struggling to find any connection.
Apparently I don't understand the rules.
Although there don't seem to be any...
One guy breaks them all; the right guy:
He's a hero and someone to be like.
Never mind how he got there, he just did.
I break the same rules, or act like I'm what Frost* was talking about---
Forget about it. WRONG. I've gone and done it wrong.
Truth is, these little lines we've all drawn are imaginary.
They get bent and stretched and broken to start a "new" line all of the time.
They get regurgitated and reinvented constantly.
The truth is, that all that I've been led to believe as truth-
Is not so. It is actually fiction. Worse than that, it's not even good fiction.
Because of this, I can no longer discern truth.
The word has lost its meaning, and because of that-
I feel free.
Thank You.
*Robert Frost-"Two roads diverge in a wood...I chose the one less traveled..."
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
pigskin paraphrasing...
We were walking somewhere downtown...pretty sure we were near 16th, or on it. Not sure our direction. Might've been Friday which would mean we were headed to Paris, but it seems like Orlo had something to do that night. Anyhow, he looked at me and said something like, "What the fuck am I supposed to do, start watching football?" It seemed like a non sequitur, so I stopped. "huh?...what in the hell does you watching football have to do with anything?" (you must know that at the time Orlo was struggling with a lot as far as the nuclear family goes. Trying to put food on the table for 5 people, while also managing the shop, while also trying to be in a band that the crew had formed, but really he was the only responsible one in the band as far as equipment and organization, etc.) So we stopped messing with our bikes long enough for him to explain. "Isn't that what guys do? They get the wife and have the kids and go to church and after church they watch football. That's it. So is that what I should do? Just quit trying to live life and start watching football? And without any sense of an actual answer, and just to be a dick I say, "Yeah why not? Football's not terrible. There are worse things to spend your time doing. Take care of your family, and watch football." I was laughing just getting the words out because Orlo was the farthest thing from a Broncos fan in Denver. And with that, and not even looking back at me he said, "I hate football." Then he rode away...
That story haunts me as I embark on Parenthood. I've done my best to stay away from all the things most people would call responsibility, and here I am facing several things all at once that will thrust me right into that thing Orlo was so afraid of becoming. Funnily enough, while I used to care about Sunday afternoons, I no longer hold any desire to watch or follow football. I was single at the time I fielded Orlo's no doubt rhetorical question, and saw from the outside what he must be dealing with, but now I feel like I understand his query. Must I settle into a pre-made mold and become Mr. football-watching, god-fearing, polo-wearing American doofus? Or is there something more that I can aspire to? I do know that my time is no longer mine, and that is mostly okay with me. What I fear, is losing myself entirely; but that is a fear I've dealt with before now, and have fought on so many fronts that I believe I will continue to fight. Fight not only to find myself wholly, which will likely not happen until death, but fight also to maintain myself and that which I have found inside of me thus far.
That story haunts me as I embark on Parenthood. I've done my best to stay away from all the things most people would call responsibility, and here I am facing several things all at once that will thrust me right into that thing Orlo was so afraid of becoming. Funnily enough, while I used to care about Sunday afternoons, I no longer hold any desire to watch or follow football. I was single at the time I fielded Orlo's no doubt rhetorical question, and saw from the outside what he must be dealing with, but now I feel like I understand his query. Must I settle into a pre-made mold and become Mr. football-watching, god-fearing, polo-wearing American doofus? Or is there something more that I can aspire to? I do know that my time is no longer mine, and that is mostly okay with me. What I fear, is losing myself entirely; but that is a fear I've dealt with before now, and have fought on so many fronts that I believe I will continue to fight. Fight not only to find myself wholly, which will likely not happen until death, but fight also to maintain myself and that which I have found inside of me thus far.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
genes and evironment
You seem to NOT know what it's like to be completely unsure of yourself. I'm not just talkimg about uncertainty; I'm saying 100% incapable of what used to be, or maybe worse, what never was...how should I think when I'm heavily medicated, after loved ones made it so, by claiming that all in your mind previously was/is delusion?-certainly I needed help, no denying there, but to be called crazy by the very mouths who's advice you followed to the letter? feels asinine really--I don't know who I am? I don't know who/how I should be? and thanks to loved ones-I don't know who I ever was, or if I ever was anyone.
I was raised in what I would consider a strange way. I am Finding out more and more though, that everyone's upbringing is strange really. Just a bunch of fuck-ups walking around procreating and judging the other fuck-ups...Everyone seems to have parenting advice, but in the same turn, destroy their kid's lives in some way or another. Well my awesome parents had their own set of gigantic flaws just like anyone else's. Too much religion, coupled with extreme lack of education, followed by mounds of hypocrisy stretching back for as many years as they can remember..They gave me books and toys and told me to pray and love America, and that I could do anything I wanted.
They fucking lied.
It's not even the lyng that gets me down. It's the ignorance that follows the lies. It's the sheer unawareness of the colossal fallout from such ridiculous lies, and the complete lack of hindsight/foresight to even be self-aware of the lies.
-They gave me a television and said that I could be on it one day. They gave me a video game and let it babysit me, all the while saying that too much of it would destroy me. They gave me colors and lights and sounds and taught me how to use them for their benefit; but when I was sure I knew how to use all of these gifts, they sat me down and told me I was wrong and that I'd always been wrong, and what we meant was, you could be anything you want, except what we don't like or understand.
Then I was given pills. Big pills. and just like I'd always done, I did what I was told. I came back a bit later, still argumentative saying, "but I don't think you understand what you've given me. It is certainly not good, and it's beginning to take ME away." But you said to continue as told, so I did. And even sooner than I'd imagined, I was gone. Vegetable. But for some reason passable and praised for "improving". I couldn't believe my eyes/ears. This was ok? A person that counts as alive, simply because the heart is still beating? (slowly mind you)
So I fought from below the bottom. Some days I stayed down simply due to lack of energy of any kind. But I fuckin dug and dug and dug until there was no longer anything to dig, and then I clawed my way outta that putrid hole you put me in. And when I emerged, it was too much for you to handle, and so you found more pills in order to keep the monster that you created at bay.
I was raised in what I would consider a strange way. I am Finding out more and more though, that everyone's upbringing is strange really. Just a bunch of fuck-ups walking around procreating and judging the other fuck-ups...Everyone seems to have parenting advice, but in the same turn, destroy their kid's lives in some way or another. Well my awesome parents had their own set of gigantic flaws just like anyone else's. Too much religion, coupled with extreme lack of education, followed by mounds of hypocrisy stretching back for as many years as they can remember..They gave me books and toys and told me to pray and love America, and that I could do anything I wanted.
They fucking lied.
It's not even the lyng that gets me down. It's the ignorance that follows the lies. It's the sheer unawareness of the colossal fallout from such ridiculous lies, and the complete lack of hindsight/foresight to even be self-aware of the lies.
-They gave me a television and said that I could be on it one day. They gave me a video game and let it babysit me, all the while saying that too much of it would destroy me. They gave me colors and lights and sounds and taught me how to use them for their benefit; but when I was sure I knew how to use all of these gifts, they sat me down and told me I was wrong and that I'd always been wrong, and what we meant was, you could be anything you want, except what we don't like or understand.
Then I was given pills. Big pills. and just like I'd always done, I did what I was told. I came back a bit later, still argumentative saying, "but I don't think you understand what you've given me. It is certainly not good, and it's beginning to take ME away." But you said to continue as told, so I did. And even sooner than I'd imagined, I was gone. Vegetable. But for some reason passable and praised for "improving". I couldn't believe my eyes/ears. This was ok? A person that counts as alive, simply because the heart is still beating? (slowly mind you)
So I fought from below the bottom. Some days I stayed down simply due to lack of energy of any kind. But I fuckin dug and dug and dug until there was no longer anything to dig, and then I clawed my way outta that putrid hole you put me in. And when I emerged, it was too much for you to handle, and so you found more pills in order to keep the monster that you created at bay.
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