genes and evironment

     You seem to NOT know what it's like to be completely unsure of yourself.  I'm not just talkimg about uncertainty; I'm saying 100% incapable of what used to be, or maybe worse, what never was...how should I think when I'm heavily medicated, after loved ones made it so, by claiming that all in your mind previously was/is delusion?-certainly I needed help, no denying there, but to be called crazy by the very mouths who's advice you followed to the letter?  feels asinine really--I don't know who I am? I don't know who/how I should be? and thanks to loved ones-I don't know who I ever was, or if I ever was anyone. 

     I was raised in what I would consider a strange way.  I am Finding out more and more though, that everyone's upbringing is strange really.  Just a bunch of fuck-ups walking around procreating and judging the other fuck-ups...Everyone seems to have parenting advice, but in the same turn, destroy their kid's lives in some way or another. Well my awesome parents had their own set of gigantic flaws just like anyone else's.  Too much religion, coupled with extreme lack of education, followed by mounds of hypocrisy stretching back for as many years as they can remember..They gave me books and toys and told me to pray and love America, and that I could do anything I wanted.

     They fucking lied. 

     It's not even the lyng that gets me down. It's the ignorance that follows the lies. It's the sheer unawareness of the colossal fallout from such ridiculous lies, and the complete lack of hindsight/foresight to even be self-aware of the lies.

     -They gave me a television and said that I could be on it one day. They gave me a video game and let it babysit me, all the while saying that too much of it would destroy me.  They gave me colors and lights and sounds and taught me how to use them for their benefit; but when I was sure I knew how to use all of these gifts, they sat me down and told me I was wrong and that I'd always been wrong, and what we meant was, you could be anything you want, except what we don't like or understand. 

     Then I was given pills.  Big pills. and just like I'd always done, I did what I was told.  I came back a bit later, still argumentative saying, "but I don't think you understand what you've given me. It is certainly not good, and it's beginning to take ME away."  But you said to continue as told, so I did.  And even sooner than I'd imagined, I was gone. Vegetable. But for some reason passable and praised for "improving". I couldn't believe my eyes/ears. This was ok? A person that counts as alive, simply because the heart is still beating? (slowly mind you)

     So I fought from below the bottom.  Some days I stayed down simply due to lack of energy of any kind.  But I fuckin dug and dug and dug until there was no longer anything to dig, and then I clawed my way outta that putrid hole you put me in.  And when I emerged, it was too much for you to handle, and so you found more pills in order to keep the monster that you created at bay.